my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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