Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?