I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Randomize
