i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
