i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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