u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
