I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
