im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
