Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
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