if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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