the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
