dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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