no, he came in my armpit
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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