dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
