Don't make out with my wife yet
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
