In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
