Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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