Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
