you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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