and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
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