fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings?
It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
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