I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
