So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
