i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
