My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
