hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Life without a bra equals bliss.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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