i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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