i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
