i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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