Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
