Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
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He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
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He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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