I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
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