did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
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Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
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You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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