The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
