I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Randomize
