Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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