good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Randomize
