The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
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That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
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I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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