Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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