Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
