Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
