Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
