I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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