our cab driver is having phone sex.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
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90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
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A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
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