we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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