I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
It's just like the Real World with babies
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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