cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
You can't motorboat a personality
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize
