And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
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We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
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I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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