i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
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Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
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You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
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