my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
