Nicole vs. Life
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?