when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
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