He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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