i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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