you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
