it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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