I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
You may now shotgun with the bride
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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