Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
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